Angst and the new year

Today is New Year's Eve.
I woke up this morning, looked at the clock, and thought; "Well, this is it, then. I'm going to be pregnant forever."
I had hoped to have this baby before the New Year began. I wrapped a gift from Santa to place under the tree "just in case". The kids were excited, Tod was excited, and having another child to love has been the focus for 3/4s of the year. I have to admit, I'm disappointed with the very idea of crossing into another year without having that child in my arms.
And, yet, I'm sad that it has to come to a close.
I'm sad that everything my body has worked so hard for these past 9(ish) months is just going to fall out and die.  Water Breaks, Cord is cut, Placenta dies. Everything I've suffered to create in order to keep my child safe and nourished will wilt. It's a concept I've never considered before now.
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I had an IUD inserted when my daughter was 2 months old. It was checked and pronounced "fine" a mere month later, when I went in for extreme bleeding.
Two years after to the day, I discovered I was pregnant again. After facing fear, disbelief,fear, curiosity, and pain, we were told that the IUD could not be found, and neither could a baby.
Six weeks later I faced emergency surgery for a ruptured ectopic 12 week pregnancy and exploratory to locate the missing IUD (which had punctured my uterus upon insertion)
Back to work, back to life.
Guilt, pain, sadness, acceptance, guilt.
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Five months later, a Two little pink lines, and a rush of pain later,  my body has failed me, again.

None expected, none planned, all wanted.
Then came one of the best weeks of my life, spent the love of my life in a beautiful warm climate.
We created a child that week. A child that is cherished beyond what I thought was possible.
A child that we've waited patiently for, and it seems like it's been an eternity.
Then comes fear. What if. What if I fail again? What if, in some cruel twist of fate, some punishment of a long forgotten sin, I am denied this child?
Now that the new New Year looms, I sit at my computer and brood. I wonder, and I fear.

But, then I look over at my Tod, and I fear less. I think less about what may happen, and more about the wonder of what has happened. I look back on the past year and I am thankful for everything that has happened, and for the grace granted to allow it to happen with him.
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I know I know
Boo, blah, sad, angsty, BOO.

Now that I've gotten that out of my system, It's 1hr,47min to midnight and unless something REALLY CRAZY happens, it looks like we're SOL on that tax credit.

I'm going to be pregnant FOREVER!!

Wordless Wednesday!

Feb. Helping put set up the swingset in the backyard.

March- At a wildlife reserve playing in nature.

April- On Vacation in Florida @ Joe's Crab Shack

May- Discovery of the results of said vacation the month previous.

June- Mat @ the taste of Tacoma- having finished his "taste"

July- The girl's Birthday with cake on my fingertips

August Jumping in the hay @ Pioneer Farm

September- ready to board the Lakewood Chamber of Commerce's Annual Cruise

October- Yarr! Thar be a family or Pirates.

November- Kieran's List Coffee Club showing off my new bling ordered to wear to the Robi's yearly Auction.

 December- Our Merry Christmas video-
Masterfully created by my darling Tod.


It's been a great year. Happy Holidays from our family to yours!

Resolutions

I've decided to post 10 New Year's Resolutions as an event so I can easily find them here and look back on them. ( Not to mention kicking myself in the pants when I see them and don't keep them)

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Now, usually, I find new Year's Resolutions just plain dumb. No one ever really sticks to them, and they're normally unattainable, anyway.   But, with a new baby on the way, a wedding to plan and execute, and learning how to NOT have a job for the first time in years, I figured if there was ever a time to make new goals for myself- it's this coming year.


Wish me luck!

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10. Lose every single lb of baby weight!
9. Nurse for the entire year of 2011
...8. Be more "green" by using cloth napkins, fewer disposable products, and not as many chemicals . (easier on the pocketbook AND the environment)
7.Get married to the most perfect man on the planet in an awesome ceremony that includes as many of my family and friends I can coerce into attending.
6.Plant a strawberry patch with my children.
5.Make my grass green and grow flowers in the flower bed.
4. BLOG I've started one, and I'm actually going to keep it going.
3.Track the amount of support for local businesses that has specifically come from my family.
2. Continue being a non-smoker. (Hey, it was really hard for me to quit. but, I'm on year # 2!)
1. Take at least 1 walk a week ( with the kids. There's a park down the street and a coffee shop on every corner. Absolutely NO reason NOT to take family walks as often as possible.)
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What are your resolutions this year?