Angst and the new year

Today is New Year's Eve.
I woke up this morning, looked at the clock, and thought; "Well, this is it, then. I'm going to be pregnant forever."
I had hoped to have this baby before the New Year began. I wrapped a gift from Santa to place under the tree "just in case". The kids were excited, Tod was excited, and having another child to love has been the focus for 3/4s of the year. I have to admit, I'm disappointed with the very idea of crossing into another year without having that child in my arms.
And, yet, I'm sad that it has to come to a close.
I'm sad that everything my body has worked so hard for these past 9(ish) months is just going to fall out and die.  Water Breaks, Cord is cut, Placenta dies. Everything I've suffered to create in order to keep my child safe and nourished will wilt. It's a concept I've never considered before now.
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I had an IUD inserted when my daughter was 2 months old. It was checked and pronounced "fine" a mere month later, when I went in for extreme bleeding.
Two years after to the day, I discovered I was pregnant again. After facing fear, disbelief,fear, curiosity, and pain, we were told that the IUD could not be found, and neither could a baby.
Six weeks later I faced emergency surgery for a ruptured ectopic 12 week pregnancy and exploratory to locate the missing IUD (which had punctured my uterus upon insertion)
Back to work, back to life.
Guilt, pain, sadness, acceptance, guilt.
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Five months later, a Two little pink lines, and a rush of pain later,  my body has failed me, again.

None expected, none planned, all wanted.
Then came one of the best weeks of my life, spent the love of my life in a beautiful warm climate.
We created a child that week. A child that is cherished beyond what I thought was possible.
A child that we've waited patiently for, and it seems like it's been an eternity.
Then comes fear. What if. What if I fail again? What if, in some cruel twist of fate, some punishment of a long forgotten sin, I am denied this child?
Now that the new New Year looms, I sit at my computer and brood. I wonder, and I fear.

But, then I look over at my Tod, and I fear less. I think less about what may happen, and more about the wonder of what has happened. I look back on the past year and I am thankful for everything that has happened, and for the grace granted to allow it to happen with him.
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I know I know
Boo, blah, sad, angsty, BOO.

Now that I've gotten that out of my system, It's 1hr,47min to midnight and unless something REALLY CRAZY happens, it looks like we're SOL on that tax credit.

I'm going to be pregnant FOREVER!!

Wordless Wednesday!

Feb. Helping put set up the swingset in the backyard.

March- At a wildlife reserve playing in nature.

April- On Vacation in Florida @ Joe's Crab Shack

May- Discovery of the results of said vacation the month previous.

June- Mat @ the taste of Tacoma- having finished his "taste"

July- The girl's Birthday with cake on my fingertips

August Jumping in the hay @ Pioneer Farm

September- ready to board the Lakewood Chamber of Commerce's Annual Cruise

October- Yarr! Thar be a family or Pirates.

November- Kieran's List Coffee Club showing off my new bling ordered to wear to the Robi's yearly Auction.

 December- Our Merry Christmas video-
Masterfully created by my darling Tod.


It's been a great year. Happy Holidays from our family to yours!

Resolutions

I've decided to post 10 New Year's Resolutions as an event so I can easily find them here and look back on them. ( Not to mention kicking myself in the pants when I see them and don't keep them)

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Now, usually, I find new Year's Resolutions just plain dumb. No one ever really sticks to them, and they're normally unattainable, anyway.   But, with a new baby on the way, a wedding to plan and execute, and learning how to NOT have a job for the first time in years, I figured if there was ever a time to make new goals for myself- it's this coming year.


Wish me luck!

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10. Lose every single lb of baby weight!
9. Nurse for the entire year of 2011
...8. Be more "green" by using cloth napkins, fewer disposable products, and not as many chemicals . (easier on the pocketbook AND the environment)
7.Get married to the most perfect man on the planet in an awesome ceremony that includes as many of my family and friends I can coerce into attending.
6.Plant a strawberry patch with my children.
5.Make my grass green and grow flowers in the flower bed.
4. BLOG I've started one, and I'm actually going to keep it going.
3.Track the amount of support for local businesses that has specifically come from my family.
2. Continue being a non-smoker. (Hey, it was really hard for me to quit. but, I'm on year # 2!)
1. Take at least 1 walk a week ( with the kids. There's a park down the street and a coffee shop on every corner. Absolutely NO reason NOT to take family walks as often as possible.)
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What are your resolutions this year?

My sweet Tod made this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lF55we_23ao

Merry Christmas!

 Aah.. Christmas. By far one of my favorite times of year. Usually. This year, it's been especially hard for me, what with being so huge and tired. I must say this pregnancy has been more difficult than I anticipated. After a ruptured ectopic and an emergency exploratory abdominal surgery only a year ago, my body is just not holding up the way it should. Thus- at the end of my third trimester-  a short fuse and 0 energy seem to rule the day. I've still enjoyed the season. The kids and I made cookies a few times-

Morrigan loves gingerbread "cookie-mans" and Wesley prefers sugar cookie "Melted snowmen"

Playing Santa was a kick, too. We opened up presents last night and set out cookies and milk for the fat guy. Wesley insisted that the reindeer needed a snack too, so a bowl of water and some carrots were left out as well. Fortunately, both the kids are pretty hard sleepers, so the gifts were out by 11, and I was able to hit the sheets at a decent hour. We awoke to the boy having a near panic attack on the couch by himself ( out of sheer excitement that "Santa REALLY did come!") Opened our gifts with a minimum of chaos, and got right down to the business of DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Finally around 5pm, I made spaghetti and the kids hit the sack early after a long day of sugar highs and toys that either pee, stomp, or beep.

 You heard right.
Spaghetti.

Normally we'd be in Spokane, WA with family, participating in the family gift exchange, eating, turkey, ham, sweet potatoes, and stuffing. But this year, I am just too pregnant. I'm too pregnant to travel, too pregnant to cook, and FAR too pregnant to force my kids to behave in the presence of company. Really.

No really.

Morrigan is still not sleeping- despite having been sent to bed for bad behavior 2 hours ago. But am I- the perpetually pregnant behemoth on the couch- going to march upstairs and force her to obey?
No. I'm tired. My feet are swollen. The braxton hicks contractions DO actually hurt, no matter what the websites say. I'm not going up there. And the only bad thing that might come of it, is she'll fall asleep with the light on and we'll have to turn it off later. Big deal.
Now if we were company in someone else's house, it might never have gone as far as early bedtime. I would have worked up the oomph to convince her to be nice long before that point.
That would have required more energy than I have at the moment, so here we are, at home, picking oregano out of our teeth.
 And honestly, as soon as the day's completely over, and I'm next to the love of my life watching movies in bed, it will have been
The Best Christmas Ever.

hands down.

Merry Christmas!

Ouch Youch Ouch!

 So today, out of desperation, I decided to walk the city of Lakewood. I drove to the store, left my car and suited up with my girl for a nice long walk.
I meant for it to be slow and steady. You know the type of ambling stroll you sometimes see little old ladies in the grocery store taking in the middle of the aisles? That kind of slow and steady.
I stopped @ one of my favorite coffee shops, made nice with the barista, and ordered a small americano. We made our way to the goodwill and checked to see if there were any great deals going on. (I only found a tube of tennis balls for drying my cloth diapers for $.50)
Then my ex-husband called and said he was waiting for me to get home so he could drop of my son from their weekend together.
Oh snap-  Well, there's no time to get the car, so off to the casa we go. Halfway there I'm racked by really bad cramps. No.... not contractions..... Cramps. 
Man! They hurt like Crazy! People at the bus stop are watching me with concern, trying to decide if I'm in labor and need assistance, or if I'm Nuts and they should run away as fast as possible.

I made it home after much groaning, huffing and puffing and am now sitting on my couch, shoulders slumped in defeat. My abdomen is sore and tender, but not contracting, and my back hurts.

 I had hoped to have this baby by tomorrow, so I could be at home for Christmas.
I have an OB appointment tomorrow morning, so who knows; maybe I'll be dilated some more and they'll hook me up to the pitocin or hand me a cervadil or something. ( I was at a 3 on Friday)
Keep your fingers crossed! I gotta meet this LO soon, or Imma go nuts!

First Post- Woot!

So I decided to set up a blog. I suppose it's kind of like a journal- only I'll actually put stuff in this one.

Intro Time!!
My name is Crystal and I have 2 beautiful, wacky hooligans named :

Wesley - 7

Morrigan-3    (Rhymes with Oregon)   

And any day now ( Please God, Please God) We'll be meeting out new LO, Evelyn.Getting a little antsy, even though I'm too humongous to move off the couch, and too tired to go far when I do.

My fiance, Tod; The  Photography Store Operator Extraordinaire, Chef of Excellent Salmon Dishes (the only thing he's ever cooked for me- yum yum) , and All around Super Hero Dad, is installing a second bathroom as we speak- er- type!

I'm super excited.

Really.
You don't know how hard it is in the mornings with 4 people trying to get ready at the same time with only one bathroom.  NOT WORKING.
Especially with this 40lbs of hormonally unstable, needing to pee every 5 minutes, ball of baby that is my abdominal cavity.
So- in goes the new bathroom today. As it's such a huge job- it will be unfinished, but thoroughly functional.
Yay!!

I suppose for now I should go. Gonna get the toddler dressed for a nice long walk to see a man about cervical effacement.