Angst and the new year

Today is New Year's Eve.
I woke up this morning, looked at the clock, and thought; "Well, this is it, then. I'm going to be pregnant forever."
I had hoped to have this baby before the New Year began. I wrapped a gift from Santa to place under the tree "just in case". The kids were excited, Tod was excited, and having another child to love has been the focus for 3/4s of the year. I have to admit, I'm disappointed with the very idea of crossing into another year without having that child in my arms.
And, yet, I'm sad that it has to come to a close.
I'm sad that everything my body has worked so hard for these past 9(ish) months is just going to fall out and die.  Water Breaks, Cord is cut, Placenta dies. Everything I've suffered to create in order to keep my child safe and nourished will wilt. It's a concept I've never considered before now.
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I had an IUD inserted when my daughter was 2 months old. It was checked and pronounced "fine" a mere month later, when I went in for extreme bleeding.
Two years after to the day, I discovered I was pregnant again. After facing fear, disbelief,fear, curiosity, and pain, we were told that the IUD could not be found, and neither could a baby.
Six weeks later I faced emergency surgery for a ruptured ectopic 12 week pregnancy and exploratory to locate the missing IUD (which had punctured my uterus upon insertion)
Back to work, back to life.
Guilt, pain, sadness, acceptance, guilt.
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Five months later, a Two little pink lines, and a rush of pain later,  my body has failed me, again.

None expected, none planned, all wanted.
Then came one of the best weeks of my life, spent the love of my life in a beautiful warm climate.
We created a child that week. A child that is cherished beyond what I thought was possible.
A child that we've waited patiently for, and it seems like it's been an eternity.
Then comes fear. What if. What if I fail again? What if, in some cruel twist of fate, some punishment of a long forgotten sin, I am denied this child?
Now that the new New Year looms, I sit at my computer and brood. I wonder, and I fear.

But, then I look over at my Tod, and I fear less. I think less about what may happen, and more about the wonder of what has happened. I look back on the past year and I am thankful for everything that has happened, and for the grace granted to allow it to happen with him.
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I know I know
Boo, blah, sad, angsty, BOO.

Now that I've gotten that out of my system, It's 1hr,47min to midnight and unless something REALLY CRAZY happens, it looks like we're SOL on that tax credit.

I'm going to be pregnant FOREVER!!